January 11th-3:00 a.m.....pancreas and random thoughts about death

I can't sleep. My stomach hurts. I guess it's actually my pancreas, but I get tired of it always being my pancreas. The good news is that the pain is not debilitating. It's just bad enough to wake me from sleep and prevent me from going back to sleep. I am nauseated, but I have not vomited so that is a good thing. Church is in five hours and I need to go. One good thing that has come from this experience is the knowledge (as opposed to just belief) that God does exist. I won't go into details here on the internet, but I had a very convincing experience of this the first time I was admitted to the ICU for the three weeks and almost died. I knew that everything would be okay. I want to clarify that I did not know at the time that I wasn't going to die or anything, but it was made quite clear to me that regardless of the outcome of that situation it would really be okay. So, here I am almost five years later. (I was first admitted on 2/29/04). There have been times, when I've become discouraged, since then when I've wanted to give up. Maybe the knowledge that there is something amazingly better has had some appeal. I don't want to die right now and I really don't think that is anything I need to be concerned with at this point, but when it does eventually happen it will be fine. I just hope that it will be sometime after all of my kids are grown. I would prefer to live to a ripe old age if possible, but I am thankful for whatever I get. I am also thankful for what I have gained through this pancreatitis junk. Many people believe in God and rely on their faith to get them through hard times. I don't know that I would call what I have "faith". Is it faith when you know something without any questions or speculation? I have also learned a lot of patience and I have learned more about humility. I have learned that life is not always what we expect and that our time here is short. Because of that, I have become a better person. We can't take anything with us when we leave this life, but we can leave something behind. We can leave behind kindness and love for others. That is why I need to be at church in a few hours. It helps me remember these things. A hospital is a place we can go to heal our bodies. Church is much the same way. It is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners. I guess that's all for now. I think I am going to take a little pain medication and see if it helps.