I'm still around....

It has been six months since the last time I wrote on here. Is that insane or what?!!! I seriously don't know how people keep up with these things. So I will try to update a little on here.

Tyler turned 15 in April. Erica was selected as one of three students from Arizona to go to Nationals for FBLA in June. That was quite an honor.

Recently three of us had birthdays. Erica turned 17 on 9/28. I turned 39 (yikes!) on 10/11 and Alex turned twelve yesterday (10/14).

We started a new school year in August. The kids are in the following grades: Erica (12), Tyler (10), Alex (6), Jared (4), Nathan (2), and Zachary (1). I started out teaching kindergarten this year, but recently moved to the third grade. We had very large class sizes for third grade and very small ones for kindergarten. Since I had experience teaching third grade (for one year about twelve years ago), I said I would be willing to switch grades if they needed me to. They needed me to. I had to switch rooms as well. I really miss my little kindergartners, but I love my third graders. They are great kids.

I've had a few interesting challenges lately. One is the impending foreclosure of my house. I was originally scheduled for July and then was postponed to August, September, and finally to October 16th. It is not being postponed again to the best of my knowledge. So that is tomorrow. I'm not sure when I have to be out, but I guess they will let me know at some point; probably sooner than later. How did I even get in this situation? Well, be careful about companies who are supposed to help with loan modifications. They just pocketed my money for months and didn't help at all. Moral of the story: Checking with the Better Business Bureau doesn't always guarantee that a company is what it claims to be. So #1 challenge....no home.

#2 challenge....My minivan "threw a rod". I'm not sure what all this entails, but I do know that it means I need a new engine at the cost of $3000. Yeah, I don't make that much in a month. So our car for the moment is my daughter's little car that seats a maximum of five, but not very comfortably. The problem with that would be that there are seven of us. I just don't think that it is a good thing that the little boys are always wanting me to let them ride in the trunk. So #2 challenge...no car large enough for the family to ride in.

#3 challenge....my deep freezer went out. It was full of meat. I say was because the way we discovered it stopped working was from the smell. Imagine several cubic feet packed full of rotting meat. Yuck! That was a gross (plus an expensive loss). Alex was my hero and emptied the meat out. Tyler helped some too. It was not a pretty job. We wheeled the freezer outside first, but you could smell the horrific odor emanating from it from a distance of about 15 feet away with the wind blowing away from you.

Those are some not cool things right now. Then there were a few annoying things such as some little turkey deciding it would be fun to break one of the large side windows on the already broken down van. There was also the whole issue of me having a broken window in my bedroom that I can't afford to replace. The plastic I taped over it doesn't help much as far as insulation is concerned which I am noticing more now that it is getting colder at night. Then on Monday, my doorknob to the house quit working and we were literally trapped inside for a while until I could get it off. The knob came of pretty easily, but the middle part was really stuck. I did buy a new doorknob, but it needs to be returned since the screws it came with won't loosen. We now are just using the deadbolt and have an interesting hole in the front door where the doorknob used to be. On the bright side, I always wanted to install a peep hole. Well, now I have one. I can even use both eyes at the same time if I want to. Pretty fancy-schmancy. Plus, the boys have invented a new game of, "see what you can throw through the hole in the door".

Oh yeah, and everyone has been sicker than a dog over the last several weeks with a real nasty flu. (You know the one...it's been on the news a lot lately). My turn began last week and I am now mostly better. I am still pretty tired and I haven't quite figured out why I am so dizzy, but I am definitely doing much better. The kids have all pretty well recovered with the exception of Jared, but that is because he was the last kid in the family to get it...so he is still in the recovering stages as well.

Now, everything is not all doom and gloom. There are several positive things to consider as well. For one, I probably don't need to worry about replacing my bedroom window since I won't be living here anyway. Heck, I could probably even just leave the custom peephole for the bank as well. I'm sure they would be impressed. Not many people have a peephole like mine. I am also eating less fast food (can you say Little Caesar's $5 pizzas?). When you can't take your family very far, you tend to just make do with what you have and make less trips out and about. Also, I don't have to worry about my car breaking down in the middle of nowhere now since it already did that and is now resting in peace in front of my house. Another thing we don't have to worry about is getting the swine flu. Woo-hoo! One less thing to worry about. So all-in all, I guess things aren't that bad.

I do need to try to find a place to rent. There are many empty houses, but not as many rentals. It is challenging to find a place to rent that is large enough for the five boys, my daughter, and myself that I can afford on my salary. I don't think the two bedroom apartments for $700 a month are going to cut it. There is also the whole issue of security deposits and first and last month's rent. Also, I really need to get a different minivan; preferably a working one so I can haul the afore-mentioned children around.

Well, I guess I should go to bed sometime soon since it is now almost 1:30 a.m. I hope that I am able to write again on here before another six months go by. It will be interesting to see the changes that occur between now and then. Goodnight for now. :)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Oh my gosh...it feels like my insides are on fire! I think this is going to be a bad one. The diarrhea has already reared its ugly head and the nausea is really bad as well. I'm pretty sure vomiting won't be too far off. I don't know what to do. If I go to the hospital, I will probably get pain meds and then be sent home. My enzyme levels just don't skyrocket the way they used to after having pancreatitis for so long. I still don't have a doctor even though mine hasn't left town yet. I guess I better take some of my dwindling supply of percocet and hope it will stay down long enough to help. It's amazing to me the level of pain you are able to stay conscious through. That's about all the typing I can handle for now. Let's hope I can keep pain meds in long enough to work. :(

So stinkin' tired...

...of everything, really. My house is the mother of all messes. My kids will not clean unless I am hovering over them forcing them to do it. Quite frankly, I am too exhausted and apathetic when I get home to force them to clean. I am exhausted; weary in my bones. I am tired of being nauseated and waking up hurting most days. Although I am not suicidal or anything, it would be nice to go to sleep and not wake up. My kids are actually the reason I continue to get up each day and keep on keeping on. I certainly can't leave the raising of my children to their dad. That is not a pretty thought. I think I am going to bed pretty soon.

Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts......

April 27, 2009; 4:30 a.m.

I can't help but notice a trend here. Once again it is 4:00ish in the morning and I have yet again been unable to go to sleep. The main problem is the overwhelming nausea, but, of course, there is also pain. It is not severe this time, but it is bad enough that I can't sleep. This happens several times a week. I just don't post every time it happens. I seriously need to get a new doctor, but I have issues with male doctors. I realize that these issues are not their problem, but mine. However, that still does not help my situation. I am getting low on my pancreatic enzymes and do not have any refills on them. I will run out of blood pressure medicine in about six months. I still have some pain medication, but it is running out as well. I try not to use it very often, but sometimes that's all that works. Well, the birds are singing outside and the eastern sky is lightening slightly. I guess I will go lay down for another hour or two before I have to get up for the day. Maybe I will be able to fall asleep in time to wake up.

April 20, 2009; 4:15 a.m.

So, here it is a couple of hours before I need to get up for the day and here I am awake (still). As usual, I am not able to go to sleep in spite of being tired due to nausea and moderate pain. I am primarily referring to pancreatic pain, but I am also referring to joint/muscle pain as well. My hips, back, shoulders, neck, and other joints have been aching on and off for several months now. I don't know if it is arthritis or just aging, but I don't think I should feel so sore. I still don't have a doctor so I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. I just would like to be able to go to bed, fall asleep at a normal time, stay asleep, and not awaken hurting. That seems to be a lot to ask. I guess I should try to update my other blog sometime. I may as well do it now since I am obviously not going to go to sleep until the end of today (which hasn't even started for most people). I am hoping that I will be able to sleep after not sleeping tonight...or is it last night now?

Blech....4/10/09

I am sick of being sick. I'm going back to bed. Enough said.

No news isn't always good news-3/24/09

Can I just say that pancreatitis stinks?  I haven't written on this blog for a couple of months.  I think that I have mentioned that my doctor is no longer practicing in my town.  I have yet to get a new doctor.  I actually did make an appointment with one.  I had to take a half day off work to go to it, too.  When I got there, I was told that they could not see me because they didn't take my secondary insurance and I was told to leave.  They did take my primary insurance, but apparently, that isn't good enough.  What a waste of time!  AND...I am still stuck with no doctor.

I have had a couple of bad attacks in which I went to the hospital.  There really wasn't much point in that because my lipase and amylase levels weren't very high after a sample was sent to the lab and I was sent home after that.  I was still sick and in pain, but with no PCP to vouch for my non-craziness, I was not believed to have pancreatitis.  Don't these people realize that often after a person has had repeated bouts of pancreatitis for years that the lipase and amylase levels do not always rise significantly anymore?  The pancreas just doesn't work as efficiently as it once did in the past.

That leads me to here.  I am awake and hurting, but do not see much point in going to get help.  I have taken about the maximum amount of painkillers I can safely take and it has dulled the pain somewhat.  That will have to do for now.  The question is:  What happens once I run completely out of painkillers and I have no doctor?  I also wonder if these pill-form painkillers are worse on my kidneys than the ones administered via IV.  I do not need to have issues with other organs.  I am frustrated enough with my pancreas.

I know what doctor I want to see.  I have seen her in the past a couple of times and she is wonderful, but she is not taking new patients unless they are pediatric patients.  I do know that she takes both my primary and secondary insurance as well.  Unfortunately I am not able to get past the office staff to talk to her.  They just tell me that she is not accepting new patients and will not even listen to anything after that.  I am frustrated and do not know what to do.

January 11th-3:00 a.m.....pancreas and random thoughts about death

I can't sleep. My stomach hurts. I guess it's actually my pancreas, but I get tired of it always being my pancreas. The good news is that the pain is not debilitating. It's just bad enough to wake me from sleep and prevent me from going back to sleep. I am nauseated, but I have not vomited so that is a good thing. Church is in five hours and I need to go. One good thing that has come from this experience is the knowledge (as opposed to just belief) that God does exist. I won't go into details here on the internet, but I had a very convincing experience of this the first time I was admitted to the ICU for the three weeks and almost died. I knew that everything would be okay. I want to clarify that I did not know at the time that I wasn't going to die or anything, but it was made quite clear to me that regardless of the outcome of that situation it would really be okay. So, here I am almost five years later. (I was first admitted on 2/29/04). There have been times, when I've become discouraged, since then when I've wanted to give up. Maybe the knowledge that there is something amazingly better has had some appeal. I don't want to die right now and I really don't think that is anything I need to be concerned with at this point, but when it does eventually happen it will be fine. I just hope that it will be sometime after all of my kids are grown. I would prefer to live to a ripe old age if possible, but I am thankful for whatever I get. I am also thankful for what I have gained through this pancreatitis junk. Many people believe in God and rely on their faith to get them through hard times. I don't know that I would call what I have "faith". Is it faith when you know something without any questions or speculation? I have also learned a lot of patience and I have learned more about humility. I have learned that life is not always what we expect and that our time here is short. Because of that, I have become a better person. We can't take anything with us when we leave this life, but we can leave something behind. We can leave behind kindness and love for others. That is why I need to be at church in a few hours. It helps me remember these things. A hospital is a place we can go to heal our bodies. Church is much the same way. It is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners. I guess that's all for now. I think I am going to take a little pain medication and see if it helps.

I still think the surgery worked....

...even though I have been in pain and sick for several days. I suppose this is to be expected. For the most part, I do feel better. As I mentioned before, I do not have constant nausea and my pain is intermittent. I did go to the hospital last Friday night/Saturday morning because the pain and vomiting were getting out of hand. Of course, I do not have a doctor now for the ER people to question about me. To them, I am just another random patient. They got an IV in after a few tries (I guess being so dehydrated didn't help much). They gave me something good that made me stop vomiting and something for the pain. So after a couple of hours in the ER, I went home. I have been up since about 4:00 a.m. with moderate pain and still have nausea, but I am slowly feeling better. It is now Tuesday, January 6th so I have had a few days of mostly rest to get to feeling better. We had a late start at school yesterday, so that helped. I am still exhausted, but need to start getting ready for school/work. This is going to be a long day.